Catch And Release: Finding My Way – Part 4

Part 4 – Religion, prayer and power of love

It is a serious thing / just to be alive / on this fresh morning / in this broken world.– Mary Oliver

When I started writing this multi part blog post in August, 2023, my intention was to write three posts. Travel and tragedy happened, and a fourth post was necessary for me to process my emotions.

Little did I realize when I wrote this title, that it would hold more meaning than I could have ever imagined.

Grief is tenacious. It holds onto your soul and shows up in unexpected ways. It takes months and months of feeling, crying and letting go over and over again. Finally, you wake up without dread. You feel a little light and airy. I welcomed it as I would a cool breeze after a long, hot and humid day. The anguish subsides.

I started this post during a long overdue vacation and finished it a month after we returned home. Our new normal now includes Mark’s dad receiving hospice/comfort care at his assisted living home. Mark received the news during our stay in Portugal. We now have both our dads receiving this type of care.

This was our first visit to Portugal and it was wonderful. We have tried to stay present during all of the experiences; however there are moments of reflection and sadness. You carry grief with you. Grief does not take a holiday.

On October 7th while in Tavira we heard the tragic news of the massacre in Israel. We had been watching the news and our hearts were filled with profound sadness and astonishment. This tragedy compounded my own personal grief. 

We did notice some graffiti in Lisbon supporting the terrorists; but we never felt unsafe. I did, out of precaution decide to wear my Star of David underneath my clothes. We continued to visit sites with Jewish history and it carried more meaning now than prior to October 7th.

I have chosen to pray; prayers of peace and healing to Israel, all the Jewish people, and all the other innocents caught in the warfare. I have chosen prayers of self-comfort and love for myself and my family. Many nights I prayed at sunset for Israel and all its people. Death abounds. It is overwhelming. 

Our enemies try to destroy us, the Jewish people in every generation and we survive. We as a people and a nation are resilient and relentless in our journey to stay alive.  We’ve been thru what our father’s and mother’s before us endured, and here we are, still standing. I don’t know why but I feel the power of my heritage and  generational legacy in my soul. I’m not afraid. I am angry.

There are no words that heal terrorism.

A few weeks after returning home from Portugal,  I had the privilege of facilitating a heart felt conversation with professional Jewish women. I was so moved by the conversation that I wrote this poem. I don’t consider myself a poet, but these words simply poured out of my soul:

Both my parents were Jewish and I am a Jew 

I did not become a bas mitzvah at age 13 and I am a Jew 

I went to synagogue as a child for the high holidays and I am a Jew 

We did not keep kosher as a family and I am a Jew 

I was witness to a Kiu Klux Klan rally and I am a Jew 

I spent time in Israel studying within an orthodox community, and I am a Jew 

I am not religious and I am a Jew 

Wherever I travel, I seek out the Jewish history, and I am a Jew 

I eat shellfish and pork, and I am a Jew 

I went to Sunday school for a short while as a child, and I am a Jew 

I don’t speak Hebrew and I am a Jew 

I don’t speak Yiddish but I know when someone is talking about me, and I am a Jew 

I light shabbat candles occasionally and I am a Jew 

I lost family members in the pogroms and the Holocaust and I am a Jew 

I have visited Dachau and was overcome with grief, and I am a Jew 

I have experienced antisemitism, and I am Jew 

I have questioned the existence of G-D, and I am a Jew 

I feel the love and presence of my ancestors from Ukraine and Russia, and I am a Jew 

I feel the love of my ancestors, and I am Jew 

Israel needs to be, and I am a Jew 

I am afraid, and I am a Jew 

I am a Jew by birth 

I will always be a Jew.

Last week I gave myself a week of reflection to reset my brain; by participating in a course entitled ‘Reframing Retirement’.  I needed to give myself some space and time. I could no longer sit at home and cry and obsess about my personal grief and my Jewish grief. The course gave me the outcome I was seeking. My intention was not to seek a path to retirement like most of the attendees. I wanted to see if my heart and soul wants to continue the work I have been doing. With the year I have had, I was questioning my commitment and capability.

I am so happy to share that I have reclaimed my enthusiasm for my work. I believe the world needs me and my work to continue.

I need to try again. It’s what I do. I even have a t-shirt I purchased in Paris years ago with this saying never not trying; and yes the shirt needs a good iron.

…………………………………………………………………….

Epilogue:

I have caught myself from falling deeper into my grief.

I have released myself from my limiting beliefs and behaviors.

I have found my way home, again with love and gratitude

I am never not trying, because

I’m not done yet!!!