Catch And Release: Finding My Way – Part 3

Part 3 – Shifting My Emotional Narrative And Behavior To Change My Well Being

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. -Antoine de Saint Exupéry

The pretty cool thing about me is I always come back to try again.  This has been hard and I have still have moments of grief. Yet now they are moments, not hours or days of grief. I am slowly able to catch myself, in the moment, breathe and release the fear, sadness and doubt.

I have begun to apply the tools and approaches that I have offered my clients over the years. It is hard and I know over time it will help. Change takes time; sometimes much, much longer than desired. For me, it is about the moment and allowing myself to recognize the thoughts as just thoughts, and release into thinking, feeling and behaving differently.

During a recent yoga class, the instructor shared a lovely passage from Pema Chödrön’s book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (I highly recommend the book):

Bodhicita is available in moments of caring for things, when we clean our glasses or brush our hair. It’s available in moments of appreciation, when we notice the blue sky or pause and listen to the rain. It is available in moments of gratitude, when we recall a kindness or recognize another person’s courage. It is available in music and dance, in art, and in poetry. Whenever we let go of holding on to ourselves, and look at the world around us, whenever we connect with sorrow, whenever we connect with joy, whenever we drop our resentment and complaint, in those moments bodhicitta is here.

I felt this message resonate both physically and emotionally. I so love this perspective. It is about cultivating both kindness, bravery and compassion with the rawness of a broken heart. Learning to accept this profound sadness and moving towards awakening is my path. For me it requires a constant and loving reminder to flow with this reality and not fight against it. It is about accepting the truths and not pushing against the discomfort. It is about choice.  

I felt I was finally at a turning point of acceptance, adaptation and forgiveness. It is almost the beginning of the Jewish High Holidays; the New Year and The Day Of Atonement. It has always been a time for family and remembering and food and forgiveness and love.

This year it will be different, again. My dad, Alvin began hospice at home care. Hospice, the word evokes a tremendous amount of anticipation and sadness. Hospice is the beginning in what I know will be a slow walk to the end of life for him. I agonize over his suffering. I so want him to be at peace, and at the same time I want my ‘old’ dad back. Unrealistic I know, but wishful anyway.

For me and my small family, we will continue to do what is best with humor, love and tears.  I was so excited to write about how the tools and strategies  that were beginning to help me heal. 

Now that writing will have to wait a bit longer. 

Part 4 – Religion, prayers and the power of love

COMING SOON