Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should – Max Ehrmann
Part 1 – A Little Back Story
Where have I been? Nothing in my life over the last 8 months or so has felt familiar, comfortable or rewarding? How does one prepare for the unexpected? I was unprepared.
I had lost my sense of worth, confidence and competence. I couldn’t find joy anywhere. I stopped showing up for myself. I stopped handcrafting my life. I became a prisoner of my constant negative and berating thinking. I couldn’t find my way to pivot, swerve or reimagine anything. I no longer valued my own wisdom and strength to move forward. I simply felt I lost agency over my life.
I think this really began during the pandemic. Up until then my business and I were flourishing. I had a steady roster of both corporate and private clients. I was feeling good and working towards a possible 3rd triathlon. I was attending to my regular yoga practice and eating foods that nourished and sustained me. Mark and I were planning another European adventure.
When the pandemic began in the spring of 2020, I went from living an engaged and vibrant life, to an almost isolated and disengaged existence. Most of what I had cultivated seemed lost. All of my corporate clients cut back on their expenditures for leadership development training and coaching. Budgets were cut. I maintained my steady roster of private clients; though some did have to cut back.
Like all of us I was spending time alone. Mark was considered an essential worker and was out of the house most days. Though I have been working from home for years; when I was not onsite at corporate clients or in my office for private clients, the staying home mandate really impacted me emotionally and psychologically. I don’t think I have yet fully recovered from that impact.
During the pandemic, we decided to move from Charlotte to south Florida to be closer to our aging dads. We sold our ‘big’ house and moved into a rental apartment in Charlotte for about 9 months while our new ‘smaller’ house was under construction. The entire selling, buying and building the new house was fraught with delays and headaches; and added to my sense that I no longer had agency over my life.
Looking back I realized my old resilient and resourceful self was trying to find a path to move alongside the challenges of the pandemic and relocation. I have always been a seeker of new knowledge and understanding, and this was a way for me to control the uncontrollable around me. My default or coping mechanism is to read more, learn more and do more. So I enrolled in another certificate program to expand my knowledge in health, wellness and nutrition. The thought of sitting around watching all 8 seasons of Game of Thrones again was too much.
We finally moved to south Florida in August, 2021. We moved into an over-55 community; which we now realize is not the place we want to be. Living in this community for almost two years has contributed to my own biases and perceptions about aging. Yes, according to the calendar I am eligible to live here. I don’t want to; for reasons I will explore later.
One week after moving south, Mark’s dad had a stroke and was no longer able to live independently. He was doing ok since my mother in law died; which was at the beginning of the pandemic. My dad’s health continues to decline. And my younger brother, who lives about 1/2 hour north of me, has been ill has well. Caregiving is exhausting.
So, here I am in south Florida working to build my business back against the backdrop of family illnesses, death and ongoing house construction challenges. Doing this in the heat and humidity of south Florida is no joke. Did I mention I am not a fan of HOT weather! Give me sweater weather each and every day.
I joined both the Fort Lauderdale and Parkland Chamber of Commerce, the Women’s Executive Council of the Jewish Federation of Broward County, the United Way’s Tocqueville Society and reconnected with old colleagues and clients. Networking is exhausting when you have all these other responsibilities. I forged ahead; because that is what I do. I was excited to grown my business locally, while maintaining and expanding my clients elsewhere.
Mark and I took a month vacation in the fall of 2022 and rented a beautiful apartment in my beloved Paris. We both needed a break. It was glorious. Plus, we visited Amsterdam for a few days. I love spending time anywhere in Europe; especially France. The time away gave me a much needed perspective and insights as to what I was going to do next. I was going to rekindle some old hobbies; learn to play the piano, and recreate new pathways for clients.
When we returned from Paris, two days later everything drastically changed.
My sister died.
Part 2 – What The ‘F’ Happened To Me? COMING SOON
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. – Viktor Frankl
Who Stole My Estrogen? 