As you know, fear and stress on the body can accumulate over time. It imprints in ways that you may not be prepared for, through the subtle and cumulative impressions of our experiences on our body and mind. It does not feel good at all.
Recently, my husband Mark was hospitalized, not once but twice and both times through the ER. First visit to the hospital was in Asheville. We were visiting The Biltmore overnight to see the Chihuly exhibit. Sadly, we didn’t get to see much.
He looked ok the day before, a bit dizzy and tired as you can see from this image of him. And then the next day he could not get out of bed!
A few days after we returned home, the symptoms worsened and we again went to the ER. We waited over 8 hours in the ER before he was admitted. I contacted a client, who is now a friend to find out if there was a secret code or secret handshake that we could use to cut down the wait. Sadly, it doesn’t exist.
After the initial shock dissipated, I realized this was going to take awhile before he got well. I did nothing else except rally around my husband for the first two weeks. People were saying I needed to be strong for my husband. Those words are truly not helpful, though taking care of myself would have helped Mark too.
I received many kind offers of help through text, emails and telephone calls. From the offer of ‘can I do anything for you and Mark’ to ‘do you want me to sit with you at the hospital’ to ‘can I go to the market and pick up dinner’ to ‘don’t forget to take care of yourself – go for a walk or meditate or hug a tree’.
I was overwhelmed with worry and flooded with emotions. This was the first time since we started dating that he was ill beyond a cold or a mild flu. I was exhausted taking care of him and running my business. Just a few weeks prior, I completed another triathlon. That preparation did not prepare me for the mental and physical exhaustion that followed. I went from working out six days a week to zero. I know this was not a good choice.
The truth is I am a caregiver by nature. I was born this way. As a first born, it comes naturally to me. From a very young age I learned the value of taking care of others. I am very, very good at it. In a crisis of any sort, I am your go to gal. I can handle it. I have been my family’s designated relative to help in times of grief, illness and caregiving aging relatives. I have proven this time and time again both personally and professionally. I rise up to meet any challenge, even though at times it is more than I can handle alone.
So when people offered to help, my knee jerk response was always ‘that is so sweet, it’s ok, I am ok, we don’t need anything, etc.’ The truth of the matter was I was not ok. It would have been so nice to have company in the ER and then in the hospital. I did have one lovely friend surprise me for a visit in the ER. It would have been wonderful, if someone brought over dinner, or wine or ice cream or chocolate or simply spend time.
So this is what I now know to be true:
- Care giving and care receiving are both of equal value and need to be honored and nurtured. I guess I didn’t value the giving of others and much as the giving of myself. This is big for me. Your generosity of soul and spirit is equal to my generosity of soul and spirit.
- Being resilient doesn’t mean that you will bounce back quickly or without setbacks. It means having the tenacity to not give up no matter the circumstances. It also means to leverage your strengths to maintain your physical and emotional wellbeing during the time of crisis and uncertainty.
- Being resilient means having the courage to ask for help when you need support. By sharing your vulnerability with others, it gives them the opportunity to help when you need it the most.
- I don’t have to do it all. Asking for help is out of my comfort zone. I need to honor my need to receive when in times of crisis and challenge. I have been exhausted and felt the heaviness of taking care of another human that could not take care of himself.
- If you are of the generous and giving type who offers to help those in need, just to it. I didn’t have the time to respond to each offer. Don’t wait for a response, just show up with food, or wine or ice cream or chocolate or a hug or your time. You have no idea how much it will mean.
- It requires much patience and grace to allow yourself time to heal from the experience. I am not the patient type and it has been hard to work through the residual feelings of fear and exhaustion.
- I must remember to infuse my days with movement, mindfulness, eating well and gratitude; even when the world around seems unsettled.
- Now that the worst is behind us, I could still use hug or a visit or chocolate or wine or ice cream or a spa visit or a beach vacation or …
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