It has taken me a very, very long time to accept certain things in my life. Some have been by personal choice, others by the cruelty of disease, and others by the body sag of aging.
I became motherless at 32. My mother Racene died over 26 years ago. It continues to be the saddest and most heart-wrenching day of my life. My mom died young, too young at the age of 55. Cancer, that ugly 6 letter word that wreaks havoc on the patient, the family and those closest.
I read all the books from ‘Why Bad Things Happen To Good People’ and ‘When All You Ever Wanted Wasn’t Enough’ By Rabbi Kushner to ‘On Death and Dying’ and ‘Life Lesson’s by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and ‘Motherless Daughters’ by Hope Edelman. I attended therapy, sat Shiva and observed the year of mourning. Nothing helped except time, love, patience and support of family and close friends.
I miss her everyday and yet she has provided me with direction and love even in her death. My business, I’m Not Done Yet, was created in her honor along with the other women in my family legacy.
I am also child-free. I am child-free by choice. Note I did not write child-less. I try to be very intentional with my words. Words inform our behavior and influence the world around us. If I continue to say child-less it means I feel I am missing something. I used to feel that way.
This is a choice that I struggled with for a very long time. I joined an organization in my early 40’s called ‘Single Mothers By Choice’ to explore adoption. I never had the urge to carry a child of my own. I did carry a lot of shame and embarrassment for years. Society, media, my religion and my family reinforced messages that I was not enough without being married and a parent. I saw a lot of my friends getting married and having babies. I had single friends get pregnant or adopt. I wasn’t sure for a long time. Then I realized it is OK. I am OK with my choice of child freedom.
I got married at 49. Both my husband and I are OK without having children. I have had the privilege of helping raise my nephew, and I love being around children. I am currently looking to volunteer in one of my local hospitals to hold babies. I have found wonderful ways to leverage my maternal instincts, and I know I will continue to do so. My maternal instinct is part of who I am.
Now on to my body sag. What is it about gravity and our bodies? As we age, almost everything at some point begins to go south; our breasts, our face, our tush, and even our voices.
I am in the midst of my menopause experience. It seems like one day I woke up and looked in the mirror and said ‘how did this happen?’ I have come to realize that my body is a reflection of my self-esteem and vulnerability. There are times, I will admit that I wish my waist was smaller, my breasts a little higher and my tush a little firmer. I have some control to change this, though gravity has it say too.
It is simply not that important anymore. The recent twitter campaign, #askhermore is brilliant. We are more than our dresses. We are more than half of the world’s population and we are not done making a difference.
Though it would be nice to wear a size 6 again.
Who Stole My Estrogen? 